New Gensokyo One Grand Prix
by G.N. Over-Kite
Summary: The reboot of the original, after gaining experience! As the seasons pass in Gensokyo, so do many incidents and diversions. As of late, however, Yukari appears to have dropped the ball. Well, why don't we fix that right now? The varied and unique cast of maidens and a few men will come together in glorious danmaku races, for fame, for honor, and for afternoon tea! Very non-canon.
1. Border of Inspiration and Lethargy

**Author's Note:**** This is it, I have no regrets. Almost a year of writing, plenty of mistakes, and a few stories later, now I'm ready to do this story justice. Thank you all who have followed, favorited, and reviewed this story before, but now I must do the right thing, and reboot the hell out of this story.**

**Disclaimer: Touhou Project is the property of Team Shanghai Alice/ZUN. I do not claim ownership of anything pertaining to Touhou. Any other references to non-related things are also not owned by me. This is a nonprofit fan work.**

**Picture Credit: MSPaint Racing flag-patterned gohei by yours truly.**

**Rated T for: Language, suggestive themes, and ornery shikigami.**

**Original Post Date: 5/14/14**

* * *

In a remote corner of the world, tucked away in the secluded forests of Japan, one may look upon it and find nothing worth remembering. An empty shrine, the only notable monument for miles, and other than being kept in a clean state, there was no reason to be there.

Traveler. Do not be misled.

Perhaps if you still believe in your fairy tales and myths, will you find a world where the myths come to life, and the fairies themselves will tell _you_ their tales. A hidden paradise, the last haven for magic, the land of endless fantasy.

Reach your hand out, through the barrier, and enter the forest: the land of Gensokyo awaits.

Do not be afraid, for if you do not show fear, you shall behold a wondrous future filled with no end of excitement, rich history, beautiful landscapes and wonderful people. The world will be yours to enjoy as you plea—

**"AAAAaaaAAaaaaggh!"**

* * *

"Ah-hahahaha! Oh, that was beautiful!"

In a comfy corner of Gensokyo, lay a house that nestled on top of a hill overlooking a vast expanse of forests and plains, mountains and monuments off in the distance. The house itself was rather matte on the outside, not unlike a quaint village house. The inside betrays its apparent origins, being lined with what many would call "modern indulgences".

"That scream was _so high-pitched!_ That one is going in the DVR!"

In the living room of this peculiar abode, gathered around a plush blue couch, three ladies of varying ages were viewing the extravagant home theater with varying levels of interest.

One was a young girl, who was adorned in a red dress and light green mob cap, casually swinging her legs up and down from her spot lying on the floor. One may notice a few extra features present on this girl, in plain sight. Two _feline_ ears were poking out from under her cap, and two black tails were swishing back and forth from her lower back.

The other two were even stranger. A tall blonde woman stood behind the couch, her arms were covered by her adjoining sleeves, and a stony facial expression that indicated she had seen many things in her life. She wore a white robe, with a blue tabard over the middle, a white mob cap atop her head with noticeably pointed protrusions that housed a set of fox ears. If that weren't enough to convince anyone she wasn't ordinary, her _nine bushy, well-groomed tails_ could clue someone in.

Of the three, the blonde currently enjoying herself was arguably the most normal-looking, but she was anything but normal. Lounging in a purple form-fitting dress and rosy mob cap, this woman holds tremendous power and ability, the likes of which are almost completely unrivaled. Notably, she doesn't appear to have any other external oddities, but that only served to set her apart that much more from her colleagues.

These, my friends, are youkai.

"Lady Yukari, I may be speaking out of place, but..."

The blonde standing above the couch stared tiredly at the other blonde, who was stuffing her face with popcorn.

"Mmf, Ran, herw much you bet, mmmf, thsh won wnnt make it through the day?" Yukari said while downing mouthfuls of popcorn.

Ran, the kitsune, drew out a long, exasperated sigh. "I don't know, that's kind of what I wanted to talk ab—"

"Ohohoh, this one has the nerve to take up a stick against Rumia! _That won't wooork~._" interrupted Yukari with a lilting mock to her ending sentence.

Once again, Ran sighed. Yukari waved for her to continue while keeping her eyes glued to the screen. "It has been months since the Youkai Uprising incident, and ever since then you have—"

"And now she slipped while in midair, how does she DO that?"

"WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?!" shouted Ran. She quickly covered her mouth in shame, but judging from the lack of reaction, her concerns were misplaced. "_This_ is what I mean! You've done nothing but eat, sleep, and watching all the outsiders struggle to even _live_ the moment they step through the Barrier!" Ran pointed to the HDTV, where the current outsider was running out of the forest in nothing but his boxers towards the village.

"Oh... I lost _that_ bet." Yukari sulked, turning to Ran with a bunch of tears lined up to fall from her comically oversized eyes...

...only to find her loyal servant looking at her with shock. "You already had a bet lined up? ...On the life of a human?!"

Yukari turned back to the big screen and swung her arm as if to say "don't worry". "Oh, come on, it's not a big deal. They knew going in that it wouldn't be easy. Why are you being so uptight all of a sudden?" In response, Ran placed her face in her hands and let out a high-pitched whine. "This is how things work in this world, Ran, don't tell me you forgot that."

"That's not the issue, Lady Yukari." said Ran, somewhat muffled by her hands. She quickly removed them to reveal a slightly deadened stare, not that Yukari saw this. "The survival rate for entrants into the outsider profession is an estimated _1.9%_, with a margin for error of +/- .4%." Ran stated with the energy levels of a university professor with tenure. "A _further_ 62.5% from those who survive choose to leave Gensokyo within the week. The remaining outsiders have managed to integrate themselves within society, and have not gone out of their way to draw attention to themselves."

"Your point?"

"I fully understand the way that Gensokyo works. Many youkai exist to terrify and feed on humans. There are many exceptions, of course." explained Ran. "Now, I don't believe myself a champion for humanity, not in the least. I draw the line at _betting__ on the survival of innocent outsiders!_"

Yukari cut in with a smile on her face, "Not all of them are innocent. Some of them just want little girls!"

Ran's left eye was twitching. "Wh-who even indulges you in these bets?!"

Yukari finally turned her head back to face her subordinate, who was teeming with pent-up frustration and anger. Them's the breaks for shikigami, usually. "Oh, you know, I gather a few who just want have a little selfish fun, that's all." replied Yukari with a smug smirk.

Silence reigned as master and servant stared each other down. The other girl on the floor was innocently watching TV.

"It's just Lady Yuyuko, isn't it?"

Yukari said nothing.

"No one else wanted in to your disgusting bets, didn't they?"

Sweat began to form on Yukari's forehead.

"Are you starting to feel remorse?"

"Now, I wouldn't say _that, _but—"

In an instant, a burst of foxfire had slammed into the home theater, detonating on contact. Ran was breathing harshly, her outstretched hand smoking from the jet of flame she had loosed. No one batted an eyelash at her outburst.

"Well, what does that make this, the eighth time this week you've acted out? It's a good thing I settled for my own product guarantee!" At Yukari's word, a barrier lifted from the fancy electronics. The smoke from Ran's attack dissipated, revealing the home theater to be intact and fully functional. Not even a slight discoloration. "Even if I wanted to go through the hassle of trying to redeem my out-of-the-box warranty, I doubt it would cover this." Yukari stood up from the couch, looking slightly miffed. "Do I have to box your ears again, Ran?"

Ran held her no-nonsense stare at her master. Yukari was about to speak up to her, when her shikigami then produced a calendar open to the current month, held right up to Yukari's face.

"Too long. Five and a half months straight you have holed yourself up in here, wasting it away on these snuff films and tawdry bets!"

"Really? That's a personal best, if I do say so myself!"

The calendar was then crushed in Ran's grip, her fist trembling with fury. Despite this, Ran managed to subdue her inner rage. "The populace was actually concerned by your absence. It seems your monthly diversions were actually a highlight they missed of you."

Yukari grinned widely, puffing out her chest in a gesture of feeling proud of herself. "Is that right? I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but when I host a party, _I host a party!_"

Ran's eyelids drooped a bit. "The last thing you did was lacrosse..." she droned, "I think. I don't think those accursed sticks are supposed to be able to _impale the oni!"_

"Like I said, _I know how to host a party!_"

**"Just find something to do, _Master!"_ **growled Ran, with emphasis on "Master". She threw the calendar to the floor, exasperated and exhausted. _"It is that time of the month for you, you know..."_ she muttered just loud enough for Yukari to hear.

"Well, aren't we cheeky today!" scowled Yukari, "Let me just get ready, and then we can head out." A thin, purple line was motionlessly drawn in the air, red ribbons inexplicably tied at the ends. The middle then expanded into a large hole, where a hellish landscape filled with disembodied eyes were staring out from within, which Yukari then entered very casually.

Yukari Yakumo is known as the Youkai of Boundaries. Like her moniker says, she can manipulate borders and boundaries. If that doesn't sound impressive on paper, then one would be _sorely mistaken_. Almost anything and everything with even a vague sense of boundaries she can manipulate and mold to an astounding degree. Think about it: the boundaries between hot and cold, between two places, between _life and death._ Her whimsical nature makes it very possible to do something crazy for kicks. There are limits, but theoretically there is nothing she cannot do. She is only held back by... laziness.

As her master was out doing her thing, Ran let out a sigh in relief, and a soft smile broke from her mouth. "Chen, would you like to accompany us on our trip?"

"Mmm, okay, Miss Ran." the young catgirl plainly said, getting up lazily. "I know where this episode is going, anyway." Chen gestured to the TV, where the outsider was currently being beaten up by the local schoolteacher.

Ran Yakumo is Yukari's loyal shikigami. Being a nine-tailed kitsune, she is normally a very powerful youkai, but being under Yukari's servitude, her power and ability have gone up greatly. She shares Yukari's surname as a sign of her status, as aside from their blonde hair, they are unrelated otherwise. Naturally highly intelligent and proficient in many forms of mathematics and magic, she strives to keep as professional as she can possibly be, and oh boy, does she try.

Chen is _Ran's_ shikigami, a feat in itself only possible because of Yukari. She's a two-tailed nekomata girl whose adorable looks and child-like curiosity belie a fondness for mischief and black magic. She is simply too immature to grasp anything more mischievous than setting a chalkboard eraser up on a door. Despite having immense potential due to being able to have power channeled from Yukari _and_ Ran, she is too inexperienced to trust in being able to handle too large an increase. Ran treats her more like her child rather than her shikigami.

"Now then, we have to make you look good so everyone can see how cute you are! Hold still for just a second." Ran got to preening and cleaning Chen up close, applying saliva and pinching parts of Chen's face, leaving the young girl uncomfortable.

"But Miss Raaan~" she whined, I can... clean myse— Ouch!"

Ran only nodded back at Chen with a blissful look on her face. "Of course. Nothing but the best for my little Chen!"

"Ran, it's freezing out here!"

Yukari popped her head out of a gap in front of them, inadvertently letting in a bunch of snow from outside. "So, why am I doing this in the middle of winter, again?"

"Because this is your extracurricular duty, which you have neglected to carry out for the past few months." said Ran, stone-faced, "And now you will do it before you hibernate because **screw you.**"

"I see you have no shortage of impudence today, Ran." Yukari shot a nasty look at her shikigami. "Well, I didn't need so much time. Are you two ready to go?"

Ran silently nodded, while Chen only smiled. Yukari opened her parasol in response as she said, "Good. I have a few places in mind, and we _will_ be going full theatrics as we go."

Ran rolled her eyes, while Chen was scrounging up winter wear for the three of them. "Here you go, Miss Ran." said Chen, holding up an indigo scarf up to her caretaker.

"Aw, thank you, Chen! I needed that." Ran lowered herself and accepted the scarf, taking her time to wind it around her neck. Upon finishing up, however, she took stock of the fact that something didn't feel right. "Um... I don't think this will be enough."

The nekomata looked hurt for all of a second, before Ran put up her hands in apology. "No, no! I don't mean the scarf itself! I just mean..." Ran's nine bushy fox tails all stood on end. "I have nothing for... my tails." A slight blush made it to her cheeks, embarrassed that she forgot something that practically made up a third of her body space.

"Just drape a throw blanket over them, you'll be fine!" Yukari dismissively waved her hand at Ran as she huddled a now bundled up Chen to her side. "Hey _Chen_, how would you like to learn something new today?"

Chen looked up at her with an expectant expression. "Really? What will I learn today, Miss Yukari?"

"Lady Yukari, what is the meaning o— MMPH!" Yukari threw a throw blanket right onto Ran's face, silencing her protests.

While the fox lady was preoccupied, Yukari set upon Chen with a question, "Do you remember the country where Gensokyo is located in, Chen?"

"Mmm... Japan?"

"Very good! And what language do they and the majority of us normally speak?"

Chen furrowed her eyes in thought. "Japanese?"

"Correct! So why are we speaking English?"

Before Chen could try to think about it, Ran managed to free herself from the blanket, and sardonically answered, "Because you were fooling around again?"

"_Zip it, Ran!_" Yukari once again shot a nasty look at her insubordinate shikigami. She quickly went back to looking happy before Chen would get upset. "She is correct, though. I have taken it upon myself to blur the boundaries of perception to allow our words to be read in English!"

...

"What? Is that not astounding? You should be thanking me for making everything easier for the reader to comprehend!"

Ran just shook her head in exasperation. "Just because you can perceive the fourth wall, that doesn't mean you can—"

"Now then, shall we move on?" interrupted Yukari, causing Ran no end to her frustration.

"Does this mean I forgot how to talk in Japanese, Miss Yukari?"

Yukari kept on a happy face, though Ran was able to perceive a few drops of sweat by the crook of her master's neck.

"Of course not, Chen! In fact, you can use Japanese honorifics, if you wish!" A sweet smile stretched across Yukari's features, hiding a sinister side that served only her own intentions.

Chen tilted her head, looking somewhat confused. "W-Why would I? Isn't speaking one language enough, Miss Yukari?"

"Oh, come on, kid. Be moé for me just for a bit, would yo—"

"Th-That's enough," interrupted Ran, placing a hand on Chen's shoulder. "Chen, Lady Yukari promises to buy you a snack if we can get moving, all right?"

At this, Chen's face lights up, looking forward to the treat. "I hope we can get some chilled taiyaki!"

The nekomata ran into the gap with a smile on her face, ready to go on with her day.

Without looking back, Yukari bitterly addressed Ran with a scowl present on her face, "What's with you? Don't you at least want her to call me— I mean, you 'Okaa-san' at least once in your life? Live a little, give in to the moé side!"

"This contrived manner of trying to extract moé from my little Chen is due to you watching too much animé in your spare time," Ran professionally stated, "Perhaps this venture needed to happen sooner."

"I could have sworn it did!" Yukari said as she beckoned her shikigami to enter the portal, but not before stopping Ran while pointing to the floor and saying, "You will have to clean that up", entering the gap right afterwards.

The same gap that led to their destination was letting the harsh snow into the house. Ran only looked on at the mess she knew she would have to clean up afterwards.

"Well, at least I got a blanket out of this..."

Counting what few blessings she had, Ran placed the blanket over her tails and stepped through the portal, which then closed up behind her.

Whatever her master has planned will surely capture everyone's attention soon enough.

* * *

**A/N:**** Well, here it finally is, the start of an all-new Gensokyo One Grand Prix. Many things will have changed, compared to my first "revision". Not everything is gone, though, but it will end up being better planned out. The original will be left up for sentimental purposes.**

**Once again, I extend my gratitude to those who have previously taken time out of their lives to check this story out, especially Imperishable Soul and Another Man, who have given me proper criticism and I've taken their lessons to heart. I may not be aspiring to be a great writer, but that doesn't mean I won't try my best, for them and for everyone. Thank you.**

**Another thing of note, as much as I've broken punctuality promises for this story, I can safely say... This won't be updated regularly. No, I'm very dedicated to my RWBY story right now, and this upload is part of an event I set for myself, having been on this site for one year today. I realize that this was my own doing, starting up new things before giving attention to G-1 here. Although, to be fair, the former G-1 was a wordy mess, and I needed to improve.**

**If all of this makes me come off as a self-absorbed windbag, then I'm inclined to agree. However, if you decide to follow this story, I will be thankful. Here's to a brand new journey together!**

**May Yukari have mercy on us all...**


	2. Eastern Winter and the Shivering Shrine

**Author's Note:**** I had too much extra to fit in a reasonably-sized chapter..., so here's a second one!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Touhou Project is the property of Team Shanghai Alice/ZUN. I do not claim ownership of anything pertaining to Touhou. Any other references to non-related things are also not owned by me. This is a nonprofit fan work.**

**Rated T for: Language, suggestive themes, and perhaps a few unfortunate fates...**

**Original Post Date: 5/14/14**

* * *

The snow had been coming down hard around Gensokyo, the paths and other enviroments devoid of almost all life with the notable exception of a certain ice fairy and a winter spirit.

Over at the Hakurei Shrine, a small light could be seen illuminating the inside with a gentle glow. Inside was a quaint and practical room with not a ton of modern amenities. All except for a kotetsu smack dab in the center, a cup of piping-hot tea beside it, where two figures were riding out the cold under its warmth.

"I-I-I-I've been through w-w-orse...," chattered a girl with a large red ribbon on her head and exposed shoulders as she snuggled more into the kotatsu, "S-Seriously, the Netherworld is much c-c-colder than this..." She'll get over it soon enough.

"Aaaahhh..., what're you talkin' bout, Rei- **hic!** -mu?" A smaller girl with misshapen horns on her head was sprawled out on the floor with drool going down her chin. As she precariously got to her feet with a teeter, one could tell that she was plastered. "Why don'tcha be like me annnd _drink_ a bit? Alkerhol makes ya warm n' tingly...!"

"I read somewhere that that doesn't actually work, but you're an oni, so who cares?"

"Bah! Books are just... overgrown napkins! _Ahh..._"

The serious girl with the large ribbon and the dry wit is Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise. The resident incident solver of Gensokyo, her life is anything but paradise, given the kinds of people and youkai who drop into her life practically every day. Still, her experience and natural talent have seen her through many incidents and helped to keep the peace in this illusionary world.

Despite being a human in a land of mystic beings, Reimu holds her own with divine power and instruments, such as her signature gohei and her sealing ofuda, as well as her aforementioned talent. Her ability is to be able to float away from this plane of existence, the furthest one can interpret the commonplace power to fly here. It is for this reason, among others, that the Spellcard Rules were put in place for all of Gensokyo.

"Suika, you use anything I own to wipe your mouth and I will kick you out, no exceptions!"

Reimu can be quite cranky, however. It's because of her occupation and the otherworldly inhabitants; technically, she's always conscripted to subdue and exterminate youkai, but the very same youkai she fights always settle down for tea at her place afterwards, and this schmoozing casts a negative light on her by the other ordinary human inhabitants. Reimu is supposed to keep the balance between the two from spilling over and causing a spectacular mess between the species, thus she keeps everyone at arm's length. Well, she tries, anyway. Nice girl, otherwise.

"But Reimu, where am I supposed to hold all this sake if I can't wipe it off?"

"Use your mouth, like you always do."

The oni girl blinked at the miko, her gaze widening when the idea registered in her alcohol-laden mind. "Ah, you're right! How could I forget that simple fact, thanks, Reimu!"

This girl is known as Suika Ibuki, a little Pandemonium of an oni. Oni by nature are roughhousers who love to drink and party, and Suika is no exception. Her small stature and jovial moods are great compliments for her often drunken state, which is constantly quenched with her mystical gourd capable of producing unlimited amounts of sake. Very powerful even amongst her own kind, she possess a versatile ability in controlling and manipulating density. Suika can use it to turn into mist, create mini-clones of herself, grow gargantuan, gather people for parties, all that fun stuff! This little lady is no pushover!

As Suika began lapping up what she dribbled on the floor, Reimu shot her a nasty look. "You drag up the wood and I drag you out of here, got that?"

Almost on cue, the doors were slammed wide open, with a familiar face propping herself between them with an unapologetic grin on her face.

"Oi, Reimu! I came to play!" said the new girl.

Reimu shot her the same look she gave Suika, one of distaste. "You always say the same thing every time you come over, Marisa! Close the doors, you're letting the snow in!"

Marisa, dressed in a slightly drooping witch's hat and a few layers of clothing, clicked her tongue at the miko and motioned her head, signaling someone to come in. "Fine. Yo, Reimu. We would like to enter your humble abode!" snarked the witch. Without waiting for a response, Marisa plodded in and sat down by the kotetsu, along with another girl who was slightly taller than her, who seemed somewhat disinterested with the weather. At least this girl had the decency to close the doors behind her.

"Hello, Reimu," spoke the other girl, "I'm sorry again for Marisa's unruly behavior, but she insisted on visiting you despite the wild shivering she had a moment ago."

Marisa, who had already removed all the wet clothing and was now wearing her iconic black blouse-and-dress combo, jerked her head in the direction of the girl who spoke and whined, "_Alice!_ I did no such thing!" Marisa then quickly returned to look at Reimu, who by now couldn't care less about any bravado the witch still had. "I braved the snow and took it like a statue, completely unfa—!" Marisa stopped herself, feeling a sudden chill, scrambling full-body under the kotatsu and driving Reimu away.

"Wha— HEY! That's for everyone, you freeloader!"

Marisa didn't care, continuing to shiver away as she started to warm up.

Marisa Kirisame is known as the Ordinary Magician, among other things, and that title is true to a certain extent. With her devil-may-care attitude and energetic confidence, she has made a name for herself in Gensokyo as the secondary incident resolver. This attitude obscures the fact that she has worked hard to attain the power she now possesses, and she proudly claims that she is the second most powerful human behind Reimu. Always with a thirst for knowledge, one shouldn't be surprised whenever she decides to pop up at a library... along with a sack which she uses to take the books she wants.

There are many differences between her and Reimu. For one, the shrine maiden is truthful to the point of bluntness, while Marisa is a compulsive liar for kicks. Reimu always had talent to rely on, Marisa studied her butt off just to keep up. Their personalities are also quite contradictory to each other. They both are guilty of stealing, though... Despite this, the two of them had been friends for sometime upward of a decade, it's a bit fuzzy. Nevertheless, whenever an opportunity to chill at Reimu's comes up, she'll gladly drop in. With her Mini-Hakkero artifact, and a steady supply of magic mushrooms, Marisa is a force to be reckoned with!

"Marisa, you never cease to amaze me with how uncouth your actions are." said Alice as she took an empty spot by the same kotatsu, where the other three have now taken a proper seat by.

The fourth girl here is Alice Margatroid. She lives out in the Forest of Magic, with Marisa as her neighbor. Though, she lives in a much nicer house than the witch, and has _much_ higher living standards than she does... She chose to isolate herself out there to further her magical research..., just like Marisa. Seriously, this has to be coincidence. Alice prefers to be alone though, though she is definitely not above conversing and/or helping others who come across her, as she is a kind person at heart. Alice is a puppeteer in both trade and battle, capable of commanding multiple marrionettes with which to strategically pick apart those who decide to challenge her. She is rather prideful of fighting this way, as for some unknown reason she looks down on her going all-out.

Her origins are unclear; the only thing everyone can agree on is that she is not human. She is a full-fledged magician, a youkai that doesn't have any discernible differences from humans, albeit her eyes seem to change color every now and then... Also, remember to capitalize the "M" if you're talking about the species... Magicians are also unique in that humans can _become_ them, after sufficient training in magic and finding the right spells to convert them. It is said that magicians continue to do things that humans do that as youkai are unnecessary, such as eating or bathing, out of habit. Alice admits to this, yet she is unwilling to divulge where it is she comes from. Least of all the mysterious grimoire she keeps under lock and key and by her person at all times. Still, there's no denying that Alice lends a certain grace to her danmaku matches!

Alice sighed. "To think I would be dragged all the way here in the snow. Er, no offense, Reimu."

"All of it taken," sneered the shrine maiden, "You should be a little more grateful that I'm opening my door to you all." She then turned to a content Marisa, who had been enjoying the heat. "So, why are you here, then? Couldn't you see I was enjoying being cold by myself? ... and Suika?"

"Ah, I love ya too! -_Hic!-_" hiccuped the oni.

Marisa then smiled her trademark smile, and excitedly said, "I got something sweet from Kourin here!" She began rummaging through her bag, which was rather grimy and filled with seemingly random knickknacks. "Come on, where's that book I too— I mean, borrowed fro—"

"Marisa?"

"Yeah, Reimu?'

"Shut up."

The magician obeyed, albeit begrudgingly.

Eventually, Marisa fished out what she had been looking for: a strange-looking magazine with a picture of a portly mustachioed man in red riding some sort of metallic shikigami with wheels that looked to be traveling on a 90° incline! "Look at this! These crazy people and creatures are riding these things upside-down! What do you suppose this all is?"

"I don't know... Do any of you speak English?" asked a confused Reimu.

Alice raised a brow as she replied, "Aren't we speaking it already?"

...

...

"_What?!_" Reimu's eyes were now bugging out. "H-How?! Uh... Let me see... K-Konnich...i...what?" She then melodramatically threw her arms in the air and shouted, "Damn you, _YUKARIIIII...!_"

Marisa let out a hearty guffaw as she buckled over the kotatsu as she laughed out, "Man, no wonder I haven't said 'ze' all day! Who else but _Yukari_?"

"Did someone call for me?"

On cue, a thin, purple line drew itself in the air, where Yukari herself had emerged from the waist up, resting her crossed arms on the ethereal boundary. "By the way, I'll be taking _that_!" Sticking her arm in another gap, it reappeared right around the weird magazine that Marisa was about to indulge everyone with reading and snatched it.

"Wha— Hey, that's mine!"

"Grieve about it after I leave, 'kay?" Yukari then opened the magazine up and quickly thumbed through half of it. "Oh yes, this is _perfect_!"

With that, Yukari ducked back in her gap, leaving as quickly as she arrived and leaving Marisa rather steamed.

"HEY! You get back here, gap hag! That was _mine_!" Expecting a response, Marisa angrily stood up and pulled her broom out from... Where did she stow it on her all this time...?

Unfortunately for her, just as she stood up, Yukari had already gapped her arms in the right place so her hands could drag Marisa's large witch hat down and out over her head. As Yukari slunk her arms back, Marisa devolved into yelling muffled swears, and all in all, making an ass of herself, culminating in her slipping up and dropping to the floor.

Reimu, Alice, and Suika were all rather nonreactive; in the latter's case, giggling to herself while in a drunken stupor doesn't count as reacting.

"Well, she's out and about again," stated Reimu as she produced her gohei and a hand of ofuda while in her seat, "about time, too. That last incident with the menreiki left a bad taste in my mouth."

"I'm sure that anyone who used to be a collection of masks _would_ taste bad...!"

...

Reimu took a second to slowly pan her head and look at Alice, who was the one who said that lousy joke. "Don't you start, Alice." she said. The shrine maiden was unamused.

The seven-colored puppeteer just smiled as she stood up, a pair of dolls floating up and out from her capelet. "Just what do you plan to do if I _don't_ stop, hm?" she said, carrying a hint of smugness.

Reimu responded in turn by pointing her gohei at Alice's direction. "Then you and I are going to have a problem..."

Just as Alice was about to retort, Marisa then shot up between them, still in her hatted state. At this, Alice sighed, reaching out and yanking the hat off and freeing the witch.

"GAHHH! Oh, wow...! Not the first time it's happened, but damn was it musty!" gasped Marisa, fanning herself with the same hat that imprisoned her.

Both Reimu and Alice looked at her for a second, before they both caught wind of something and clutched their noses away from the witch.

"Oh my _god_, Marisa, you stink! Don't smell up my shrine with your hat hair!" Reimu pointed to the door with her gohei, implying as to where Marisa should go.

Marisa glowered. She never made washing her clothes a priority, least of all her favorite hat. "Hey, I take offense to that! Wait..., who is your god anyway, Reimu?"

"Don't change the subject, Marisa," scowled Alice, "You seriously reek, I think it's time to retire your dingy hat, Mari—"

The Oriental Western Magician held her Mini-Hakkero almost point-blank up to Alice's face. "Hey. I don't tell you what to change, and I certainly hold my tongue when we're among the crowd," she responded in a low tone, as if she were saying "try me", "The hat stays, Alice."

Before Marisa could take any enjoyment out of her usual brute-forcing, she saw out of the corner of her eye that Reimu had readied a round of persuasion needles at her.

"No fighting in my house, got it?"

Alice then readied another pair of dolls at her blonde compatriot, only armed with lances the size of straws. "It seems we are at an impasse, ladies."

Reimu nodded. "Indeed we are."

Marisa tiredly rolled her eyes. "Ugh, gimme a break..."

As the three were squaring off, a certain alcoholic oni kept looking back and forth between the girls, a little lost. It was then that an idea sprung into her mind...

"DOOOOGPIIILE!"

... along with her feet, as Suika jumped into the air on a course for the three...

**WHUMPH!**

... only to hit her head on the ceiling.

The girls barely had enough time to look back at what just happened, before Suika dropped right onto the kotatsu, destroying it.

...

As Reimu's eye was twitching, Marisa and Alice suddenly realized the situation that was about to occur.

"Uh..., uh-oh...!"

"Reimu, there's no need to be so ra—"

Alice didn't have time to finish as a divine energy then shot out from Reimu, who was now holding up a spellcard with a look of silent rage. Everyone but Reimu were now suspended in midair in various states of surprise. Suika being inebriated enough to have kicked this off counts.

"W-Wait! My dolls are filled with gunpowder, hold on!"

"_HIC!_ Eh..."

"Ohhh, not aga—"

"**[Divine Arts] Omnidirectional Dragon-Slaying Circle!**"

And then there was light...

* * *

_A few minutes earlier..._

"And so, that is Lesson One, Chen."

"Ohhh! I can feel myself getting smarter, Miss Yuka— I mean, Yukari-sama."

"Very good!"

"This doesn't even make any sense..."

The trio of Yukari, Ran, and Chen, were walking along a dirt road to their destination, having been dropped there by Yukari's gap teleportation. A conveniently placed gap was floating in the path of the wind, redirecting the snow to wherever. Ran was currently quite disgruntled due to her master's double-strength antics. Chen was conveniently skipping ahead of them both, with a smaller gap giving her cover.

"I mean, what is the point of speaking one language, only to apply another's conventions to it?" said Ran.

"It's because of our origins, Ran." Yukari promptly stated, "Gensokyo _was_ established in Japan, after all."

Ran's disgruntled demeanor softened as she reluctantly recognized the rather obvious answer. "Ah, when the Great Hakurei Barrier was created?"

"No, when a drunken, middle-aged man came up with the foundations for this land on one of his usual Friday nights."

Whatever little respect Ran may have gathered had scattered to the winds, her crooked posture soon after reflected this.

"Oh, lighten up, it's not a super big deal," said Yukari as she twirled her parasol, "Why, the greater deal of all named characters treat each other with such a level of comfort and/or disrespect, no one will really care."

"It's not... the language thing I'm really hung up on, just why even go through the trouble?"

"Because the—"

"Yukari-sama, I see the shop!"

"Very good, Chen-chan!" squealed Yukari, bunching her hands up by her chin and bouncing in place. "Is Rinnosuke-san in?"

Chen ran up to the quaint-looking shop, peering inside the window after wiping some of the snow and mist away. "The light is on!" she shouted cheerfully.

Ran raised a hand up to her mouth and yelled back, "All right, Chen! Get back close to us, okay?"

"Okay, Ran-sama!"

Chen obliviously obeyed while Ran shot a displeased look at her master.

"What," started Yukari, poorly disguising a wide smile, "Don't tell me you _didn't_ like it! The rabid fans indeed do!"

The kitsune picked up her pace and collected Chen, just to get away from Yukari for a few precious seconds, while muttering something along the lines of "Disgusting recluse".

Yukari looked dead ahead at Kourindou, where her destination lied and would be the epicenter for what she had planned.

"It's time for a visit, everyone! Let us see how hospitable our guest will be to us...!"

"Lady Yukari, _we are the guests_."

"... Shut up, Ran."

* * *

**A/N:** **Nintendo Power magazines that don't exist in the real life DO in Gensokyo. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!**

**Also, there's no way in all the hells that this plot would ever take off in canon. Just saying.**

**Take care, everyone!**


End file.
